Wednesday, December 1, 2010
My Ex-boyfriend/s
To my first serious Ex,
We outgrew each other, but neither of us could really recognise it. I don't miss you, and haven't for ages. But I am mildly curious about your life these days. I do wish we'd approached the sex thing differently though, I don't know about you but it took me ages to fix that particular mess : p
To my Second Ex,
Sorry, I'm so so so sorry. It was totally my fault, and I wouldn't be at all suprised if you hated me. If it helps, I ended up marrying the man I left you for. So at the very least, hurting you wasn't a compete waste.
We outgrew each other, but neither of us could really recognise it. I don't miss you, and haven't for ages. But I am mildly curious about your life these days. I do wish we'd approached the sex thing differently though, I don't know about you but it took me ages to fix that particular mess : p
To my Second Ex,
Sorry, I'm so so so sorry. It was totally my fault, and I wouldn't be at all suprised if you hated me. If it helps, I ended up marrying the man I left you for. So at the very least, hurting you wasn't a compete waste.
My 5 things...
- Not completely choking in my job interview
- Having my mother in law come over for a quick visit and having a lovely chat
- Playing a new CSI game
- Singing better than most of the contestants on 'How to Solve a Problem Like Maria'
- Comparison shopping and planning out all the new appliances I want to buy
- Having my mother in law come over for a quick visit and having a lovely chat
- Playing a new CSI game
- Singing better than most of the contestants on 'How to Solve a Problem Like Maria'
- Comparison shopping and planning out all the new appliances I want to buy
Monday, November 29, 2010
A task
As I am a devoted pessimist, my Husband has set me the task of finding 5 things about every day that I'm thankful for, or made me happy.
So for today:
- Making a delicious lunch in an imaginitive way
- Watching my catlet be extremely cute
- Getting a call asking me to go to a job interview tomorrow
- Taking a lovely long hot shower
- Planning out the menu/recepies for our epic grocery shop on Friday and for my Christmas baking.
So for today:
- Making a delicious lunch in an imaginitive way
- Watching my catlet be extremely cute
- Getting a call asking me to go to a job interview tomorrow
- Taking a lovely long hot shower
- Planning out the menu/recepies for our epic grocery shop on Friday and for my Christmas baking.
Friday, November 12, 2010
House!
House, house, house, house, house.
*Bounce*
House, house, house, house!
We got a house! It's very pretty, and has all the rooms we needed. Also a pretty garden with a vege patch.
I'm quite excited.
*Bounce*
House, house, house, house!
We got a house! It's very pretty, and has all the rooms we needed. Also a pretty garden with a vege patch.
I'm quite excited.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
To my Dream
I almost never remember my dreams :(
So my request to you, dreamy things, is stick around for a bit after I wake up! I'd like to know what's happening in there.
So my request to you, dreamy things, is stick around for a bit after I wake up! I'd like to know what's happening in there.
Letter to my sister
I love you, but you drive me nuts!
In some way's we are best friends, but lately I just can't understand why you do the things you do. I know that we all need to screw up for a while after school. I did a crap load of it. But you seem to be digging yourself a hole that's going to be impossible to drag yourself out of later.
I'm worried for you sister dearest!
In some way's we are best friends, but lately I just can't understand why you do the things you do. I know that we all need to screw up for a while after school. I did a crap load of it. But you seem to be digging yourself a hole that's going to be impossible to drag yourself out of later.
I'm worried for you sister dearest!
Dullest life ever...
I haven't posted for ages, this is mostly because nothing's happened for ages :p
However, we've FINALLY managed to organise things so that we're putting in applications for houses, doing inspections, booking removalists, etc. I'm very excited!!!!
We applied for a house yesterday, and I'm really hoping that we get it. It's got all the required features, and it's within an acceptable price range. Plus it has spots already built for vege beds, it's also got a fish pond, and air con (Hubby is quite happy about the air con, he's a cold weather type). I would have liked a fireplace, but oh well. I'm thinking we might get some sort of fire holding device for the backyard to roast marshmallows and read next to, that should hold me.
On the BDSM front I'm improving in teeny tiny increments, and I'm hoping that moving away from my in-laws will help with my 'irritation aimed at the hubby, therefore no nooky for you' issues. The need for more BDSM doesn't mean that we're not having sex, just that Hubby doesn't manage to get in near as many beating/bossy sessions as he wants. I'm of the opinion that he still gets waaaay more then he would if we weren't the kind of couple we are. I can't imagine that many couples in a stressful living situation with their parents have wild sex lives...
However, we've FINALLY managed to organise things so that we're putting in applications for houses, doing inspections, booking removalists, etc. I'm very excited!!!!
We applied for a house yesterday, and I'm really hoping that we get it. It's got all the required features, and it's within an acceptable price range. Plus it has spots already built for vege beds, it's also got a fish pond, and air con (Hubby is quite happy about the air con, he's a cold weather type). I would have liked a fireplace, but oh well. I'm thinking we might get some sort of fire holding device for the backyard to roast marshmallows and read next to, that should hold me.
On the BDSM front I'm improving in teeny tiny increments, and I'm hoping that moving away from my in-laws will help with my 'irritation aimed at the hubby, therefore no nooky for you' issues. The need for more BDSM doesn't mean that we're not having sex, just that Hubby doesn't manage to get in near as many beating/bossy sessions as he wants. I'm of the opinion that he still gets waaaay more then he would if we weren't the kind of couple we are. I can't imagine that many couples in a stressful living situation with their parents have wild sex lives...
Saturday, October 9, 2010
To my parents
I love you both, very dearly.
But I am probably a little too aware of your faults (although what 20 something isn't overly aware of their parents faults?). And I am certainly aware of more of them than you know...
Dad, I know about at least 2 of the women you slept with while you and mom were married. And I read those peices that you thought you'd deleted off of the PC you gave me, I wish I could make you all better with kisses and strong words like you did when I was very small.
Mom, I know you're far kinkier than you would have me believe, and I have a good idea about where you got alot of your insecurities. I sometimes wish you would tell me about your traumas, so that I can share mine with you and tell you that they're easier to overcome than you think. But neither of us are really the type to burden others with those details, so it seems unlikely that we ever will have that discussion.
I know other people think that I don't have much of a relationship with you dad, but I'm generally pretty happy with it. We don't share problems very often, and your idea of support is almost always to offer money, or a place to stay. But I enjoy knowing that you're a pillar of support to lean on when I choose to. And I love our philisophical, political, and scientific discussions.
Mom, you're awesome, in pretty much every way possible. I do, on occasion, wish that you'd quit it with the adivce already though :p
But I am probably a little too aware of your faults (although what 20 something isn't overly aware of their parents faults?). And I am certainly aware of more of them than you know...
Dad, I know about at least 2 of the women you slept with while you and mom were married. And I read those peices that you thought you'd deleted off of the PC you gave me, I wish I could make you all better with kisses and strong words like you did when I was very small.
Mom, I know you're far kinkier than you would have me believe, and I have a good idea about where you got alot of your insecurities. I sometimes wish you would tell me about your traumas, so that I can share mine with you and tell you that they're easier to overcome than you think. But neither of us are really the type to burden others with those details, so it seems unlikely that we ever will have that discussion.
I know other people think that I don't have much of a relationship with you dad, but I'm generally pretty happy with it. We don't share problems very often, and your idea of support is almost always to offer money, or a place to stay. But I enjoy knowing that you're a pillar of support to lean on when I choose to. And I love our philisophical, political, and scientific discussions.
Mom, you're awesome, in pretty much every way possible. I do, on occasion, wish that you'd quit it with the adivce already though :p
To my crush
You are also the person that I would consider my closest friend...
Can you see why my Husband objects to me spending too much time with you?
I hope that you continue to do well in life, I'm also hoping that you're enjoying it more than the last time we spoke properly.
Can you see why my Husband objects to me spending too much time with you?
I hope that you continue to do well in life, I'm also hoping that you're enjoying it more than the last time we spoke properly.
To my Best Friend
I don't really feel like I have a best friend. I tend to bond very closely with the person I'm in a relationship with, and I find that leaves little space for very close friends.
I'm aware of how much of a cop out that is...
The only person I've met that I consider myself close enough to, and comfortable enough with to perhaps edge towards a really close friendship. Is someone, who for many reasons, my husband is uncomfortable with me spending too much time with.
Couple that with my very shy demeanor, and having just moved to a new state, and I am in a rather friendless state. My Husband likes to mock me for spending too much time on the interwebs, but it's really the only affordable way I have of keeping in touch with the few friends I do have.
So, this is sad pathetic me, writing to a person who could exist if I had the balls to find them. And deciding (once again) be a more outgoing and less cynical person so that I can find you...
We'll see if it works
I'm aware of how much of a cop out that is...
The only person I've met that I consider myself close enough to, and comfortable enough with to perhaps edge towards a really close friendship. Is someone, who for many reasons, my husband is uncomfortable with me spending too much time with.
Couple that with my very shy demeanor, and having just moved to a new state, and I am in a rather friendless state. My Husband likes to mock me for spending too much time on the interwebs, but it's really the only affordable way I have of keeping in touch with the few friends I do have.
So, this is sad pathetic me, writing to a person who could exist if I had the balls to find them. And deciding (once again) be a more outgoing and less cynical person so that I can find you...
We'll see if it works
Monday, October 4, 2010
30 Day Letter Challenge
30 Day Letter Challenge
Day 1 — Your Best Friend
Day 2 — Your Crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror
Day 1 — Your Best Friend
Day 2 — Your Crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror
I wish...
I wish I had a friend, I would even be so greedy as to say I'd like two or three.
I think this sense of isolation would be lessened if I had someone who wasn't my husband or lived hundreds or thousands of kilometers away to talk to. I miss discussing religion, science, morality, sexuality etc etc etc.
My Husband and I have mostly covered this ground, and he hates going over subjects that we've already discussed. The fact that he remembers the conversation perfectly, and I have trouble even recalling that it occured is completely irrelevant!
I also miss shopping with someone that I'm comfortable with, tha random wandering that I can do with girlfriends that I've had for ages because we're both familiar with each others habits and tastes. There's no secret fear that the other person's actually very bored or mocking you. *sigh*
I'm so very very very bad at making new friends. That's why I married an outgoing, shameless, socially domineering male, to do all that hard introductory, getting to know you, first impression crap. He's so very very good at it that I've lost what little friend making skills I did posess. Uni's been a little helpful in that regard, but I find the 'friends' that I did make so intimidatingly cool that I can't see why they spend any time with me. I feel so certain that they secretly don't really like me and were only hanging out because we were thrown together by class times.
ARGH! I thought life and friendships and self posession all just came easily once you became an adult. I feel like an akward teen still, and I really don't want to feel like this for the rest of my life...
I think this sense of isolation would be lessened if I had someone who wasn't my husband or lived hundreds or thousands of kilometers away to talk to. I miss discussing religion, science, morality, sexuality etc etc etc.
My Husband and I have mostly covered this ground, and he hates going over subjects that we've already discussed. The fact that he remembers the conversation perfectly, and I have trouble even recalling that it occured is completely irrelevant!
I also miss shopping with someone that I'm comfortable with, tha random wandering that I can do with girlfriends that I've had for ages because we're both familiar with each others habits and tastes. There's no secret fear that the other person's actually very bored or mocking you. *sigh*
I'm so very very very bad at making new friends. That's why I married an outgoing, shameless, socially domineering male, to do all that hard introductory, getting to know you, first impression crap. He's so very very good at it that I've lost what little friend making skills I did posess. Uni's been a little helpful in that regard, but I find the 'friends' that I did make so intimidatingly cool that I can't see why they spend any time with me. I feel so certain that they secretly don't really like me and were only hanging out because we were thrown together by class times.
ARGH! I thought life and friendships and self posession all just came easily once you became an adult. I feel like an akward teen still, and I really don't want to feel like this for the rest of my life...
Monday, September 27, 2010
Uni's over, and I've been married for a year!
It's done, it's over. For at least 5 months!
I feel like I'm on holiday, oh wait, I am! I'm actually starting to enjoy this town instead of resenting not being in my own space. Unfortunately I need to find a job. It's a bit too lazy to have 5 months of nothing, and I want to move out sooner rather than later :p
In other news, I have officially been married for one year and one day today. How exciting is that? We went to the Byron lighthouse to exchange gifts, the rat got me two! A beautiful pair of pearl earrings, and the most perfect necklace I have ever seen. It matches my engagement ring! That's one perfect husbad I have there.
We then went to a fancy restaurant by the sea, had a wonderful dinner, then went to an extrememly funky arthouse theatre and lay on lounger/cusions in the floor to watch a romantic comedy. All in all a pretty perfect evening.
My only sad moment yesterday was while shopping for my Husbands present (I got him a nice pocket knife, which seems pretty lame compared to his amazing gifts), I stopped by the windows of a baby store. Baby stores have made me clucky and impatient since we started trying, but this time I was just depressed. I didn't even go in to coo over the clothes and toys. I'm afraid that if it takes much longer to get pregnant it will end up being a wholly depressing experience, and I really don't want that. Making babies & being pregnant is supposed to be fun, or at least not a negative experience.
I feel like I'm on holiday, oh wait, I am! I'm actually starting to enjoy this town instead of resenting not being in my own space. Unfortunately I need to find a job. It's a bit too lazy to have 5 months of nothing, and I want to move out sooner rather than later :p
In other news, I have officially been married for one year and one day today. How exciting is that? We went to the Byron lighthouse to exchange gifts, the rat got me two! A beautiful pair of pearl earrings, and the most perfect necklace I have ever seen. It matches my engagement ring! That's one perfect husbad I have there.
We then went to a fancy restaurant by the sea, had a wonderful dinner, then went to an extrememly funky arthouse theatre and lay on lounger/cusions in the floor to watch a romantic comedy. All in all a pretty perfect evening.
My only sad moment yesterday was while shopping for my Husbands present (I got him a nice pocket knife, which seems pretty lame compared to his amazing gifts), I stopped by the windows of a baby store. Baby stores have made me clucky and impatient since we started trying, but this time I was just depressed. I didn't even go in to coo over the clothes and toys. I'm afraid that if it takes much longer to get pregnant it will end up being a wholly depressing experience, and I really don't want that. Making babies & being pregnant is supposed to be fun, or at least not a negative experience.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
I'm so very close!
Only one more assignment to do. An Essay on mandatory reporting in situations of child abuse...
Cheery subject isn't it? I can't believe I chose it. As a consequence of living on adrenaline and stress for the past two weeks, and the general cheeriness of the subject matter, I cannot for the life of me get properly started on it!
Perhaps I need to get Hubby to make it a task and have some punishments promised if I don't meet my daily quota? Probably not, I think in the mood I'm currently in I'd want the punishment too much :p
In other news, a friend sent me a little fertility goddess statuette yesterday. I don't much believe in that sort of thing, but she does, and it's such a lovely thought. She bought it while she was trying to get pregnant and ended up with twins!!!! Perhaps I need to put a towel over it to lessen it's potency or something.
Cheery subject isn't it? I can't believe I chose it. As a consequence of living on adrenaline and stress for the past two weeks, and the general cheeriness of the subject matter, I cannot for the life of me get properly started on it!
Perhaps I need to get Hubby to make it a task and have some punishments promised if I don't meet my daily quota? Probably not, I think in the mood I'm currently in I'd want the punishment too much :p
In other news, a friend sent me a little fertility goddess statuette yesterday. I don't much believe in that sort of thing, but she does, and it's such a lovely thought. She bought it while she was trying to get pregnant and ended up with twins!!!! Perhaps I need to put a towel over it to lessen it's potency or something.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Oh dear...
Maybe I won't be able to continue Uni when I have children. This is so hectic!
I'm literally finishing assignments in 2 days, just to move on to the next one.
Who puts 6 due dates in the last 3 weeks of a semester?
Monday, September 13, 2010
Ouch...
I'm just not used to thinking this hard. So very very many assignments to be done.
I think my brain is trying to crawl out of my ear in rebellion.
Hubby is, as usual, working too hard. But this month I'm beating him in hours spent working on the computer. At last, I won!
I think my brain is trying to crawl out of my ear in rebellion.
Hubby is, as usual, working too hard. But this month I'm beating him in hours spent working on the computer. At last, I won!
Sunday, September 12, 2010
I'm pretty sure I've done this right... if not, sorry about all the code!
| This Is My Life, Rated | |
| Life: |  5.7 |
| Mind: |  5.1 |
| Body: | 6.3 |
| Spirit: | 6.1 |
| Friends/Family: | 6 |
| Love: |  7.3 |
| Finance: | 5.3 |
| Take the Rate My Life Quiz | |
How Domliness helps in stressful situations
Hubby and I recently went on a bit of a road trip as a celebration of various things.
It was lovely, I had a great time, and we found a book warehouse that was having a 75% off sale (this is heaven for bookworm/scifi nerds like us!).
However, I had wanted to go somewhere a bit further away, and when I mentioned this Hubby said that he didn't want to because it was a bit further than he wanted to go. This proceeded to spoil my day completely. I don't know why, I really don't. And when hubby got sick in the tummy and stressed from driving around a crowded city when he hasn't been driving for all that long I just got crankier and crankier. I kept thinking horrible things like "You're always sick, it's just your excuse for not doing something you don't want to do!", "You want food court food? We came all this way for freaking food court food?", "We drove the extra 40 minutes from the first stop to shop at a bookstore and go home again?", and general snippiness like that.
So instead of appreciating the effort to go out and shop and have fun alone time, I harboured awful thoughts, even though thery were about semi genuine concerns, and eventually told him what I was thinking.
Hubby was not happy... Hubby told me so... Hubby pulled over and growled at me. It wasn't fun.
However, out of that grumpiness and unfunness came today. Where I told Hubby what I wanted, even if I thought he wouldn't like it or want it himself. Where he set boundaries, and where we just generally enjoyed the crap out of ourselves.
If my Domly Hubby type hadn't pulled over and layed out the reasons why we need to be clear with each other, even if I think it might upset him or make him grumpy. Then we either wouldn't have wanted to go out today, or it would have been a repeat process of the same pussyfooting around and secret resentment that occured on saturday.
I love that my man is such a strong clever type and I'm so very glad he took me on, and puts up with my generally bratty behaviour (not that I'm sucking up because I know he reads this or anything like that).
It was lovely, I had a great time, and we found a book warehouse that was having a 75% off sale (this is heaven for bookworm/scifi nerds like us!).
However, I had wanted to go somewhere a bit further away, and when I mentioned this Hubby said that he didn't want to because it was a bit further than he wanted to go. This proceeded to spoil my day completely. I don't know why, I really don't. And when hubby got sick in the tummy and stressed from driving around a crowded city when he hasn't been driving for all that long I just got crankier and crankier. I kept thinking horrible things like "You're always sick, it's just your excuse for not doing something you don't want to do!", "You want food court food? We came all this way for freaking food court food?", "We drove the extra 40 minutes from the first stop to shop at a bookstore and go home again?", and general snippiness like that.
So instead of appreciating the effort to go out and shop and have fun alone time, I harboured awful thoughts, even though thery were about semi genuine concerns, and eventually told him what I was thinking.
Hubby was not happy... Hubby told me so... Hubby pulled over and growled at me. It wasn't fun.
However, out of that grumpiness and unfunness came today. Where I told Hubby what I wanted, even if I thought he wouldn't like it or want it himself. Where he set boundaries, and where we just generally enjoyed the crap out of ourselves.
If my Domly Hubby type hadn't pulled over and layed out the reasons why we need to be clear with each other, even if I think it might upset him or make him grumpy. Then we either wouldn't have wanted to go out today, or it would have been a repeat process of the same pussyfooting around and secret resentment that occured on saturday.
I love that my man is such a strong clever type and I'm so very glad he took me on, and puts up with my generally bratty behaviour (not that I'm sucking up because I know he reads this or anything like that).
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Baby fever
My Husband kindly downloaded a documentary for me called 'Babies'. It follows the first year of life of four children from different cultures. It's very interesting, but everytime one of the newborns cry my arms ache to hold them and comfot them. I suppose this means I'm well and truly clucky.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1020938/
Also, swaddling looks sooo comfy! I wonder if that is one of the reasons i like being tied up so much. Freud ftw!
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1020938/
Also, swaddling looks sooo comfy! I wonder if that is one of the reasons i like being tied up so much. Freud ftw!
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Lets just ignore yesterday's post, shall we?
I was feeling a little overwhelmed with the negatives in my life when I wrote it, and I probably shouldn't have been let near a computer O.o
The Doc told me that with the tests he had done, everything about me was normal, except that I hadn't ovulated. He could see no reason why, except perhaps a blockage in one or both of my fallopian tubes. This particular condition would need laproscopic surgery to diagnose, and could end up being a whole lot of trauma and money for nothing if that turned out not to be the case.
So, Doc has prescribed Clomid, and maybe a sperm test for Hubby. My Husband and my mother in law both want me to get a second opinion, as my MIL has nursed under this Ob/Gyn before and thinks he's an anti woman troll. However, she thinks that about alot of men... The Clomid can't be taken until at the very least next month anyway, so we're considering seeing someone else to get the test results reconsidered. I don't really want to, I'm really not keen on pissing off the man who has potential control over my bits and baby making. But Hubby is at least mostly in charge, so it has to be considered.
My own mother has chimed in on the anti Clomid bandwagon though, because she googled a few articles that link Clomid to cancer. I googled back a few that discredited it and very politely told her that it wasn't her decision to make, and that Hubby and i would give all the information the consideration we thought it merited. And mentioned that we (read me :p) had been researching fertility and so on for about a year now and possibly had a little bit more information than her 20 mins of googling had turned up. That's one of the very very few times that i've properly growled at my mother, poor mom didn't know what to do. She backed off and said that of course it was our decision, but would I promise her to look into some natural remedies too? As I live in one of the biggest hippy towns in Australia, and my MIL is a pretty big hippy herself, I was hardly going to be able to avoid the natural remedies path anyways, so I promised her and all came out of it happy. Well, somewhat happy.
The Zoloft part of the self pitying moan was because my MIL sent an offer to give me some of her Zoloft to help me even my mood and settle a little easier here. She thinks my stress is affecting my fertility. Which it probably is, but you try living with inlaws that you'd barely met before and see how well you settle into the household. I'm really trying, but I come from a reserved, and very religious family. My husbands family are sooo far from reserved, and my MIL considers herself Wiccan. If they're grumpy, they stomp around the house and yell at everyone. In my family if you're at the point of yelling at someone, you're pretty much never going to forgive them, ever. So you can imagine how stressed I get when someone grumps at me! Add to that my naturally highstrung and personality, and my overwhelming need to please people and I do occasionally become a bit of a wreck. So, my MIL's answer is to put me on Zoloft, rather than to stop making me feel guilty for trying to move out of their house. I think this is a bit counter intuitive, but I'm at least going to consider the idea. I would far prefer to have it perscribed by a doctor though, especially considering the fertiity aspect.
Now, my essay for a double weighted class is due tomorrow. And it's worth 45% of my whole mark, so I need to stop procrastinating and go stick my nose into some referencing.
The Doc told me that with the tests he had done, everything about me was normal, except that I hadn't ovulated. He could see no reason why, except perhaps a blockage in one or both of my fallopian tubes. This particular condition would need laproscopic surgery to diagnose, and could end up being a whole lot of trauma and money for nothing if that turned out not to be the case.
So, Doc has prescribed Clomid, and maybe a sperm test for Hubby. My Husband and my mother in law both want me to get a second opinion, as my MIL has nursed under this Ob/Gyn before and thinks he's an anti woman troll. However, she thinks that about alot of men... The Clomid can't be taken until at the very least next month anyway, so we're considering seeing someone else to get the test results reconsidered. I don't really want to, I'm really not keen on pissing off the man who has potential control over my bits and baby making. But Hubby is at least mostly in charge, so it has to be considered.
My own mother has chimed in on the anti Clomid bandwagon though, because she googled a few articles that link Clomid to cancer. I googled back a few that discredited it and very politely told her that it wasn't her decision to make, and that Hubby and i would give all the information the consideration we thought it merited. And mentioned that we (read me :p) had been researching fertility and so on for about a year now and possibly had a little bit more information than her 20 mins of googling had turned up. That's one of the very very few times that i've properly growled at my mother, poor mom didn't know what to do. She backed off and said that of course it was our decision, but would I promise her to look into some natural remedies too? As I live in one of the biggest hippy towns in Australia, and my MIL is a pretty big hippy herself, I was hardly going to be able to avoid the natural remedies path anyways, so I promised her and all came out of it happy. Well, somewhat happy.
The Zoloft part of the self pitying moan was because my MIL sent an offer to give me some of her Zoloft to help me even my mood and settle a little easier here. She thinks my stress is affecting my fertility. Which it probably is, but you try living with inlaws that you'd barely met before and see how well you settle into the household. I'm really trying, but I come from a reserved, and very religious family. My husbands family are sooo far from reserved, and my MIL considers herself Wiccan. If they're grumpy, they stomp around the house and yell at everyone. In my family if you're at the point of yelling at someone, you're pretty much never going to forgive them, ever. So you can imagine how stressed I get when someone grumps at me! Add to that my naturally highstrung and personality, and my overwhelming need to please people and I do occasionally become a bit of a wreck. So, my MIL's answer is to put me on Zoloft, rather than to stop making me feel guilty for trying to move out of their house. I think this is a bit counter intuitive, but I'm at least going to consider the idea. I would far prefer to have it perscribed by a doctor though, especially considering the fertiity aspect.
Now, my essay for a double weighted class is due tomorrow. And it's worth 45% of my whole mark, so I need to stop procrastinating and go stick my nose into some referencing.
Break me
I'm broken...
So broken that my mother in law wants to put me on Zoloft.
So broken that I'm considering it.
So broken that I don't even care that my family is making my fertility decisions anymore.
So broken that MY UTERUS DOESN'T WORK PROPERLY!
So broken that my mother in law wants to put me on Zoloft.
So broken that I'm considering it.
So broken that I don't even care that my family is making my fertility decisions anymore.
So broken that MY UTERUS DOESN'T WORK PROPERLY!
Friday, September 3, 2010
I love my Husband...
I just got this as a FaceBook message from my lovely Hubby, he makes me melt sometimes. Guess who's getting jumped on tonight? And he got coffee : p
I find the allure of your inner thighs hard to resist, but the flow of love between us intoxicating to the point of release.
Also....can you make me a coffee please.
I find the allure of your inner thighs hard to resist, but the flow of love between us intoxicating to the point of release.
Also....can you make me a coffee please.
I love love love chatty ultrasound techs
I went for my preliminary fertility tests today. Blood tests and two very comfortable *snort* ultrasounds.
I love that I had a very kind and very chatty ultrasound tech, I showed a little bit of knowledge of what he was looking for so he told me what he was doing, and what results he found.
So, I know that I do not have Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS)! That my endometrium (uterine lining) is exactly where it should be at this stage in my cycle, and that I have an ok number of follicles growing.
My right overy had 19 follicles, and only 7 on the left. Stoopid left ovary. Google says that that number is below the range of normal, but my nursey mother in law says that there is no normal number really. I'll wait until my appt on wednesday with my Ob/Gyn and see what he thinks. I'll also see what my hormone levels are when I see him.
I'm kindof excited! I was about 90% sure that I would have PCOS. And I definately don't! I also don't have any cysts or fibroids, and my uterine structure is just fine. I'm hoping there's something slightly wrong with my hormone levels or something that can be medically supplemented, and that there's not a problem with Hubby's sperm. I'm not sure if he could take that :p
I love that I had a very kind and very chatty ultrasound tech, I showed a little bit of knowledge of what he was looking for so he told me what he was doing, and what results he found.
So, I know that I do not have Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS)! That my endometrium (uterine lining) is exactly where it should be at this stage in my cycle, and that I have an ok number of follicles growing.
My right overy had 19 follicles, and only 7 on the left. Stoopid left ovary. Google says that that number is below the range of normal, but my nursey mother in law says that there is no normal number really. I'll wait until my appt on wednesday with my Ob/Gyn and see what he thinks. I'll also see what my hormone levels are when I see him.
I'm kindof excited! I was about 90% sure that I would have PCOS. And I definately don't! I also don't have any cysts or fibroids, and my uterine structure is just fine. I'm hoping there's something slightly wrong with my hormone levels or something that can be medically supplemented, and that there's not a problem with Hubby's sperm. I'm not sure if he could take that :p
Feminism
While reading another Submissive's blog I noticed that she was discussing feminism, and whether feminism had any place within a BDSM relationship.
The way I see it is that Feminism means that a woman has the right to choose what she does with her life, and how she does it. That is all. Feminism is the ability to choose, not a proscribed set of choices.
A feminst can be a housewife, a slave, or a submissive. And I believe that forcing a woman into making a choice that does not suit her, her needs, or her circumstances in the name of feminism is rather defeating the purpose.
I have a need within myself to bend to anothers will. I am happiest when bustling around my home cooking and cleaning and looking after people. I want to have children and to stay at home and raise them.
I also consider myself a feminist, and I believe that my femaleness does not make me lesser than my husband. I believe that I am lesser than my husband, I believe that he is more intelligent and capable than me (except when it comes to paying bills, grr), and I believe that he should decide what our future is. I believe these things because of my flaws, and his strengths. Not because he is male, and I am female.
Does this make sense?
The way I see it is that Feminism means that a woman has the right to choose what she does with her life, and how she does it. That is all. Feminism is the ability to choose, not a proscribed set of choices.
A feminst can be a housewife, a slave, or a submissive. And I believe that forcing a woman into making a choice that does not suit her, her needs, or her circumstances in the name of feminism is rather defeating the purpose.
I have a need within myself to bend to anothers will. I am happiest when bustling around my home cooking and cleaning and looking after people. I want to have children and to stay at home and raise them.
I also consider myself a feminist, and I believe that my femaleness does not make me lesser than my husband. I believe that I am lesser than my husband, I believe that he is more intelligent and capable than me (except when it comes to paying bills, grr), and I believe that he should decide what our future is. I believe these things because of my flaws, and his strengths. Not because he is male, and I am female.
Does this make sense?
Friday, August 27, 2010
Damn you Google...
When facing the prospect of fertility problems, no matter how mild they are forcast to be, google is not your friend...
Why? Why do I do this to myself? Not only am I researching Clomid and the possible steps just after that. I am researching how much IVF costs, the Medicare rebates, and obsessively stalking any internet mention of my OB/GYN. But I am reading, ad nauseum, blogs about infertility and pregnancy.
They're great, I've learnt alot about how people deal with infertility and the general popultions views of assisted reproductive technology (ART). But it's making my brain a little noisy. Too many different ideas and options floating around up there. And they refuse to shut up!
Also, my period's due. I can't get the tests that tell me just how screwey my ovaries are until four days or so after my period. So... pretty well the one time in my life I'm hoping for my period to hurry the hell up, and it's late! I'm too far into this trying game to have hopes that I'm pregnant, so really this whole thing is just driving me a little insane (read incredibly insane).
On that note, I'm out of here before my decent steepens.
Why? Why do I do this to myself? Not only am I researching Clomid and the possible steps just after that. I am researching how much IVF costs, the Medicare rebates, and obsessively stalking any internet mention of my OB/GYN. But I am reading, ad nauseum, blogs about infertility and pregnancy.
They're great, I've learnt alot about how people deal with infertility and the general popultions views of assisted reproductive technology (ART). But it's making my brain a little noisy. Too many different ideas and options floating around up there. And they refuse to shut up!
Also, my period's due. I can't get the tests that tell me just how screwey my ovaries are until four days or so after my period. So... pretty well the one time in my life I'm hoping for my period to hurry the hell up, and it's late! I'm too far into this trying game to have hopes that I'm pregnant, so really this whole thing is just driving me a little insane (read incredibly insane).
On that note, I'm out of here before my decent steepens.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Life changes
So many things have changed since my last post that I brely even recognise my life anymore...
Most of these changes have been for the better, my Husband left/was encouraged to leave his previous job. His soul sucking 100+ hours/week job that almost resulted in us splitting a few times, and kept us living in a town I despised.
He left because the carrot of promotion/being given his own store had been dangled one too many times with nothing to show for it. An offer was made to Hubby's boss to give my Husband a store and his boss turned it down for him with no input from my Husband. This resulted in a rather epicly proportioned blow up and there was a quit or be fired scenario that ended with Hubby quitting.
So, we've moved to a lovely NSW town, and we live snuggled away in the mountain wilderness. With acres between us and the neighbours. No more 40 degree months, no more soul sapping humidity, and definately no more Cane Toads!
Hubby has gotten a very stable but boring job, that requires the usual 35ish hours/week, and gives him a chance to rest a bit from the madness and ambition of his last role. However he's already antsy and has finangled himself into a trial for a much higher position.
Over the last 2 weeks he's been getting calls and emails from people above him. And every day or two the person has been getting progressively higher in the ranks. Until today, when he received a call from the International CEO! Good freaking lord! He's only been with this company a few months. I cannot fathom the guts that my man posesses, but I can say for sure that I wouldn't be positioning myself for a promotion anywhere near this early in a job. I suppose that's why he's the Domish one :p
Add to all this my decision to go to Uni, and not to work until I've gotten past the first few months, and boy do I feel inferior!
Now, on to the baby making! We've been trying, with varying levels of enthusiasm, to get pregnant for approximately 9 months now. If I'd managed to get pregnant when we first started trying I'd be damn close to giving birth by now. So, after discussions with my new GP, I was referred to an Ob/Gyn with experience in fertility issues.
The lovely Dr Glenn Taylor saw me this Wednesday, gave me my first ever Pap-Smear and internal exam, and had a chat with me about what he thought was happening.
Now, I know most women have had many papsmears by the time they reach 24. But I've always been terribly shy about showing my bits to people, even my Husband. So as you can imagine, some strange man that I'm already nervous about meeting for other reasons was not someone I was happy to have as my first.
However, it wasn't nearly as bad as I imagined it would be (yes mom, you were right AGAIN). And after I told him I was nervous he was very kind to me, he was gentle and just got it over with. Then we never spoke of it again. The perfect way to handle embarrassing situations in my opinion!
Dr Taylor had good news for me, and bad. The good news was that, as far as he could tell, I had never had a miscarriage. And that the doctor who told me I had was a bit of a rat. The less awesome news was that he thinks I have poor ovulation. So, just after my next period, I'm to go get masses of blood taken, and some really fun sounding internal ultrasounds. Then I'll go to see him and hopefully find out what's going on. His opinion is that if it is poor ovulation, then it will likely be easily fixed with some mdication/s, and we should be right to go for it again!
I have to say I'm a bit disappointed. I was really hoping that the Hubby would have to have one or two embarrassing fertility tests of his own. Unfortunately it doesn't look like it, and I'd honestly prefer it to be this easily fixed propblem rather than anything far more problematic (and expensive) like faulty sperm.
All in all, my life is completely different now, most probably for the better. But I still find myself missing the town I hated, and the life we had there. Despite the fact that I hated so very much of it. Is that strange?
Most of these changes have been for the better, my Husband left/was encouraged to leave his previous job. His soul sucking 100+ hours/week job that almost resulted in us splitting a few times, and kept us living in a town I despised.
He left because the carrot of promotion/being given his own store had been dangled one too many times with nothing to show for it. An offer was made to Hubby's boss to give my Husband a store and his boss turned it down for him with no input from my Husband. This resulted in a rather epicly proportioned blow up and there was a quit or be fired scenario that ended with Hubby quitting.
So, we've moved to a lovely NSW town, and we live snuggled away in the mountain wilderness. With acres between us and the neighbours. No more 40 degree months, no more soul sapping humidity, and definately no more Cane Toads!
Hubby has gotten a very stable but boring job, that requires the usual 35ish hours/week, and gives him a chance to rest a bit from the madness and ambition of his last role. However he's already antsy and has finangled himself into a trial for a much higher position.
Over the last 2 weeks he's been getting calls and emails from people above him. And every day or two the person has been getting progressively higher in the ranks. Until today, when he received a call from the International CEO! Good freaking lord! He's only been with this company a few months. I cannot fathom the guts that my man posesses, but I can say for sure that I wouldn't be positioning myself for a promotion anywhere near this early in a job. I suppose that's why he's the Domish one :p
Add to all this my decision to go to Uni, and not to work until I've gotten past the first few months, and boy do I feel inferior!
Now, on to the baby making! We've been trying, with varying levels of enthusiasm, to get pregnant for approximately 9 months now. If I'd managed to get pregnant when we first started trying I'd be damn close to giving birth by now. So, after discussions with my new GP, I was referred to an Ob/Gyn with experience in fertility issues.
The lovely Dr Glenn Taylor saw me this Wednesday, gave me my first ever Pap-Smear and internal exam, and had a chat with me about what he thought was happening.
Now, I know most women have had many papsmears by the time they reach 24. But I've always been terribly shy about showing my bits to people, even my Husband. So as you can imagine, some strange man that I'm already nervous about meeting for other reasons was not someone I was happy to have as my first.
However, it wasn't nearly as bad as I imagined it would be (yes mom, you were right AGAIN). And after I told him I was nervous he was very kind to me, he was gentle and just got it over with. Then we never spoke of it again. The perfect way to handle embarrassing situations in my opinion!
Dr Taylor had good news for me, and bad. The good news was that, as far as he could tell, I had never had a miscarriage. And that the doctor who told me I had was a bit of a rat. The less awesome news was that he thinks I have poor ovulation. So, just after my next period, I'm to go get masses of blood taken, and some really fun sounding internal ultrasounds. Then I'll go to see him and hopefully find out what's going on. His opinion is that if it is poor ovulation, then it will likely be easily fixed with some mdication/s, and we should be right to go for it again!
I have to say I'm a bit disappointed. I was really hoping that the Hubby would have to have one or two embarrassing fertility tests of his own. Unfortunately it doesn't look like it, and I'd honestly prefer it to be this easily fixed propblem rather than anything far more problematic (and expensive) like faulty sperm.
All in all, my life is completely different now, most probably for the better. But I still find myself missing the town I hated, and the life we had there. Despite the fact that I hated so very much of it. Is that strange?
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Trying to Conceive
So... we're trying to add to our little family.
As much fun as this sounds, it's proving to be less than I had imagined. I'm enjoying being able to experience sex the way it was meant to be, no protection and "finishing" in the traditional manner (previously our birth control was what's known as the withdrawal method). It's a little extra bit of intimacy that's provided a great boost to the number of orgasms I get to have. Which I'm loving!
But the sense of dissapointment we both get when the test comes out negative, and the increasingly regimented times to have sex are getting me down (Him too I suspect).
We were both convinced I'd get pregnant within a few days of trying. A combination of an experience we'd had a few months before the wedding when I got pregnant while on chemical birth control for the first time (and miscarried a few weeks later), and as a reaction to that terror instilled in us as teenagers of getting pregnant if you didn't use every birth control method ever invented : p.
Apparently it's not true...
The next step I can think of is to get some sort of fertility checkup done on the both of us, but my Husband has decided that we should try for a few more months before we start making it a medical process. I agree with his decision in theory, but I'm finding it hard to be patient.
I'm the kind of girl who takes forever to make a decision, and if possible I will avoid decision making like the plague! But once my reluctant mind has shifted into gear and arrived at that decision I expect immediate action! In my mind the decision has been made, so the results should have appeared by now. And if they haven't then they should be helped along a little.
My husband is two years older than me, but in terms of maturity I suspect the gap is closer to ten. He's been ready for children since long before he met me, financially and emotionally. He's just not been able to find someone he was willing to have children with.
For me it took a little longer to get to that place. I'm one of those motherly girls who's thought of having a family since she was a child herself. I've been cooing over babies and toddlers for years, and I've been getting the clucky urges since I was 16 or so. But I was never confident enough in my abilities to care for a child, or be responsible for someone elses mental and emotional wellbeing. My Husband has gradually increased my confidence in my abilities, both professional and personal, to the point where we both thought I was ready to have children. And for that (among other things) I am immeasurably grateful.
So why, since it took so long for the right circumstances to line up, have we not conceived?
It's the unanswerable question that I'm trying desperately to answer...
As much fun as this sounds, it's proving to be less than I had imagined. I'm enjoying being able to experience sex the way it was meant to be, no protection and "finishing" in the traditional manner (previously our birth control was what's known as the withdrawal method). It's a little extra bit of intimacy that's provided a great boost to the number of orgasms I get to have. Which I'm loving!
But the sense of dissapointment we both get when the test comes out negative, and the increasingly regimented times to have sex are getting me down (Him too I suspect).
We were both convinced I'd get pregnant within a few days of trying. A combination of an experience we'd had a few months before the wedding when I got pregnant while on chemical birth control for the first time (and miscarried a few weeks later), and as a reaction to that terror instilled in us as teenagers of getting pregnant if you didn't use every birth control method ever invented : p.
Apparently it's not true...
The next step I can think of is to get some sort of fertility checkup done on the both of us, but my Husband has decided that we should try for a few more months before we start making it a medical process. I agree with his decision in theory, but I'm finding it hard to be patient.
I'm the kind of girl who takes forever to make a decision, and if possible I will avoid decision making like the plague! But once my reluctant mind has shifted into gear and arrived at that decision I expect immediate action! In my mind the decision has been made, so the results should have appeared by now. And if they haven't then they should be helped along a little.
My husband is two years older than me, but in terms of maturity I suspect the gap is closer to ten. He's been ready for children since long before he met me, financially and emotionally. He's just not been able to find someone he was willing to have children with.
For me it took a little longer to get to that place. I'm one of those motherly girls who's thought of having a family since she was a child herself. I've been cooing over babies and toddlers for years, and I've been getting the clucky urges since I was 16 or so. But I was never confident enough in my abilities to care for a child, or be responsible for someone elses mental and emotional wellbeing. My Husband has gradually increased my confidence in my abilities, both professional and personal, to the point where we both thought I was ready to have children. And for that (among other things) I am immeasurably grateful.
So why, since it took so long for the right circumstances to line up, have we not conceived?
It's the unanswerable question that I'm trying desperately to answer...
The first post... Dun dun duuuuuun
I've never blogged before, in fact I'm not really the kind of person who shares their feelings with anyone who isn't a close family member. So feel priveleged random internet users!
In actuality, I'm completely humbled if anyone apart from myself and my husband are reasing this. I can't imagine anything I could possibly say that would be worth of your browsing time but I will endeavour to make it as interesting as I can.
I've only really identified as having a submissive personality for the last 3 years or so. Looking back I can see that I have been my whole life, but I was too busy taking control of every situation, and hating every second of it, to notice.
Since meeting my husband and exploring the world of Dominance and submission I have relaxed so much. I feel cared for and safe knowing that I always have his strength to fall back on. And knowing that if I can't handle a situation, that he'll be there to take care of things, enables me to feel as though I can do anything.
He's such a wonderful man, caring beyond belief, not afraid to take me to task when I'm out of hand, and wise enough to know which approach to take in every situation.
Which brings me to my reason for starting this blog. When we started out we both wanted a very strict D/s relationship, and I do mean both of us. I could imagine nothing better than having the pressures and overwhelming responsibilities of my old life being taken away. And he was excitied by the prospect of having someone to teach, guide and discipline (for a more accurate portrayal of how he felt you'd have to ask him, but that's how I saw it).
We are in a D/s relationship. He has the last say in the decisions we make. Domestically, we have a very traditional relationship, I cook, clean, take care of him and the house etc etc. But neither of us feel completely fulfilled.
Not that we're uphappy. We love each other wildly and passionately, we enjoy spending time together. We're happy with the love we have, that's not an issue. We just don't feel as though we have what we wanted/expected from a D/s relationship.
I think it's quite possibly a physical thing. His wants and needs in that area are far more extreme than mine. And I have such difficulty getting to the place I need to be in to be able to fulfill those needs. My pain tolerance thresholds vary with my hormones, and I have past trauma's that can unexpectedly come to the fore during play sessions, causing the whole thing to come to a crashing halt, and leaving us both in an odd place.
*sigh*
I think that's about all I can write on this topic for today, I'm feeling a little bit drained.
If anyone does come accross this blog, I would be crazily happy for you to leave your thoughts and/or advice.
Have a lovely day!
Ivy
In actuality, I'm completely humbled if anyone apart from myself and my husband are reasing this. I can't imagine anything I could possibly say that would be worth of your browsing time but I will endeavour to make it as interesting as I can.
I've only really identified as having a submissive personality for the last 3 years or so. Looking back I can see that I have been my whole life, but I was too busy taking control of every situation, and hating every second of it, to notice.
Since meeting my husband and exploring the world of Dominance and submission I have relaxed so much. I feel cared for and safe knowing that I always have his strength to fall back on. And knowing that if I can't handle a situation, that he'll be there to take care of things, enables me to feel as though I can do anything.
He's such a wonderful man, caring beyond belief, not afraid to take me to task when I'm out of hand, and wise enough to know which approach to take in every situation.
Which brings me to my reason for starting this blog. When we started out we both wanted a very strict D/s relationship, and I do mean both of us. I could imagine nothing better than having the pressures and overwhelming responsibilities of my old life being taken away. And he was excitied by the prospect of having someone to teach, guide and discipline (for a more accurate portrayal of how he felt you'd have to ask him, but that's how I saw it).
We are in a D/s relationship. He has the last say in the decisions we make. Domestically, we have a very traditional relationship, I cook, clean, take care of him and the house etc etc. But neither of us feel completely fulfilled.
Not that we're uphappy. We love each other wildly and passionately, we enjoy spending time together. We're happy with the love we have, that's not an issue. We just don't feel as though we have what we wanted/expected from a D/s relationship.
I think it's quite possibly a physical thing. His wants and needs in that area are far more extreme than mine. And I have such difficulty getting to the place I need to be in to be able to fulfill those needs. My pain tolerance thresholds vary with my hormones, and I have past trauma's that can unexpectedly come to the fore during play sessions, causing the whole thing to come to a crashing halt, and leaving us both in an odd place.
*sigh*
I think that's about all I can write on this topic for today, I'm feeling a little bit drained.
If anyone does come accross this blog, I would be crazily happy for you to leave your thoughts and/or advice.
Have a lovely day!
Ivy
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